Sunday, March 05, 2006

Post-Oscar Wrap-Up and Commentary

Here's my commentary about the Oscars. Warning: My bitch factor is turned up pretty high right now, so beware of cattiness ahead. Meow.

Some Things I Loved:
George Clooney
Robert Altman
Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep making the Altman presentation
The guys with the stuffed penguins
Salma Hayek saying Bill Cunti instead of Bill Conti
David Straitharn = pure hotness

I love Lauren Bacall, she's a legend, but I'm officially very concerned about her neurological health. Was the teleprompter fucked up, did she forget her contacts, or do I need to worry that she is suffering from strokes or worse? I hope it was the teleprompter, but I fear it's not that simple.

You gotta love Dolly Parton. You just do. It's the law. And if it's not, it should be. I really wanted her to win for her song, but I have to admit, it was pretty exciting to watch the hip hop artist (36 Mafia? Was that their name?) get the award. Hip hop is not my style, but I really like to see the Academy get out of its box, and those guys could not have been happier. Good times.

I know I'm mean and sadistic, because when Jennifer Garner started to trip, I really wanted to see her go down. Yeah, I said it.

And if you don't hate me for my last statement, I'm sure to lose you on this one. I hate Reese Witherspoon. I haven't seen Walk the Line yet, and I'm sure she's as terrific in it as everyone says she is, but I found her perfect little acceptance speech to be phony and contrived. She had total "fake shake" in her voice. Everyone thought she was crying because of that quivering thing she no doubt learned from the vocal coach, but if you paid close attention, you saw that her eyes were dry as a bone. She just won Best Actress, and Reese was still acting when she made that "sweetheart" speech. Did you see the movie Election? Reese was perfect for that role because it was just like her - cold and calculating. And the fake cry reminded me of Gwyneth Paltrow when she had that bogus weepy speech the year she stole Cate Blanchett's Oscar.

Why did the camera pan to Steven Spielberg 5000 times? Who cares?

Uma Thurman looked fantastic. So did Salma Hayek. So did Jessica Alba. Bitches.

Helena Bonham Carter is a beautiful woman. So is Charlize Theron. Why did they dress in horrible satin dresses and wear their hair like they were 60-year-old matrons?

Speaking of bad hair, Maggie Gyllanhaal was also rocking the grandma look. And Keira Knightly, while I loved her dress and her jewelry, her hair looked like she just left the gym.

Michelle Williams' dress was unusual, but so is she, and so I think it really worked for her. Totally loved her look.

Is it just me, or were you uncomfortable watching Jennifer Aniston? She was embarrassing. She looked sheepish and out of place. I think the bottom line is she's way out of her league with the film crowd. She's a television comedic actress. Period. End of story. She needs a new hit show, but she doesn't need the Academy to throw her a mercy fuck by letting her present. I actually think it did her more harm than good. Please, Aniston, stay home next time.

Crash. Haven't seen it, but as fate would have it, I've got the DVD right here in my possession for my viewing pleasure on Monday. My sister just received it from NetFlix. She watched it Saturday, called me Sunday morning and said, "I think Crash is going to win, and it deserves it." I figured Brokeback would win, though I was secretly hoping for Good Night, and Good Luck.

Possibly more later, but I must sleep now.


At Monday, March 06, 2006 1:40:00 AM, Blogger joy said...

That was super funny LA,
"Bill Cunti" , Nice touch those french guys bringing up the stuffed penguins. You know everybody's going to want one.

At Monday, March 06, 2006 1:42:00 AM, Blogger joy said...

Poor Bacall, you know twords the end she was probably thinking, this is so humiliating.
We still love her, she's still one saucy dame.

At Monday, March 06, 2006 10:13:00 AM, Blogger GetFlix said...

LA, I actually agree with most of what you've said. That's the point of watching these ridiculous awards. Bitch and complain. And yes, I also wanedt to see JG come crashing down on her butt!!

Jimmy Kimmel said the funniest thing on his post-Oscar show. It went something like this:

"Brokeback Mountain did not win the Oscar for best picture. I guess those guys made-out for nothing."

At Monday, March 06, 2006 10:23:00 AM, Blogger LA said...

Joy - I know... poor Bacall! That was heartbreaking.

GF - Damn, I'm sorry I missed Kimmel! I've loved him ever since his radio days here in LA when he was still a struggling comic.

At Monday, March 06, 2006 12:15:00 PM, Blogger Jesús said...

hey, I didn't quite feel the bitch factor, you could have been much more mean ;)
So, I hate Reese. In Mexico, everybody finds her beautiful and all, but in my opinion, she's not THAT good in acting [haven't seen the Johny Cash movie, and probably won't], not THAT pretty: below her chin she's fat, and I agree: she's always been so FAKE...Ever seen her in an interview??? Yesterday, the speech, SO cheesy and dumb...I just think LEGALLY BLOND is perfect for her, she's that idiot in real life.
Something else: helena Bonham Carter is NOT pretty at all la!
And finally, I'm surprised you didn't comment on your beloved Jake...(?)

At Monday, March 06, 2006 4:34:00 PM, Blogger LA said...

Jesus! You know why I didn't comment on Jake? Because he was boring as all hell, and I couldn't think of anything to say about him. I hope some dirt comes out about him and Keira, but as far as his appearance, it was too dull to comment on.

And I gotta disagree with you on Helena Bonham Carter. I think she's totally gorgeous, she just dresses like shit. Have you seen her in any Ivory-Merchant films?

If you want bitchy, check the previous post on Nicole Kidman. ;)

At Monday, March 06, 2006 8:01:00 PM, Blogger jane_austen said...

Does Lauren Bacall have Parkinson's? That is what I was for Aniston, and J. Ho, both bitches could have stayed at home, why the hell were they there????....We know who the beauties were that night, and please, I want Eric Bana, Joaquin Phoenix, George Clooney, and David Strathirn all NOW! Gorgeous, gorgeous men! :)

At Monday, March 06, 2006 8:20:00 PM, Blogger jane_austen said...

....and about that Spielberg thing, no shit LA!....I have really become irritated with Speilberg of late, and I cannot put my finger on it....but enough already with the gazillion camera shots of him.....

At Monday, March 06, 2006 10:39:00 PM, Blogger Mike V. said...

Thanks for the wrap up!

I actually liked Reese and I find her pretty charming and very cute. When I think of cold and calculated, I think of people like Julia Roberts (the souless whore) did I say that??

Anyway, we just watched Walk The Line tonight and enjoyed it.
It's not THAT big a deal, but I guess if someone was 22 years old and didn't even know who Johnny Cash was, they could get a small clue.

Salma Hayek is completely on fire.
God I love that third world beauty.. did I just say that, too??

At Tuesday, March 07, 2006 12:07:00 AM, Blogger LA said...

I totally want to see Walk the Line. Mike - did you see Frida? And I totally agree that with your assessment of Julia Roberts. The look on her husband's face tells you everything you need to know about her.

Jane - I don't know if Lauren Bacall has Parkinson's, but I think it is a distinct possibility. I was actually heartbroken watching her because she appeared frustrated and embarrassed.

I think they just kiss Speilberg's ass because he's so effing rich. It's really disgusting, and I honestly wish he'd go back to making films like ET.

At Tuesday, March 07, 2006 10:56:00 PM, Blogger ffleur said...

I actually find Julia Roberts and Reese Witherspoon very similar. Icy, southern, manipulative and very bright. I give Reese some slack as she (so far) has a successful marriage and seems to genuinely love her family. Julia? I'm not so sure she loves anyone.

And..Reese hasn't gone thru loads of men like Julia has.

At Wednesday, March 08, 2006 10:59:00 AM, Blogger Mike V. said...

Julia Roberts has done one good movie, and played herself very well.
That was Closer.
That scene towards the end with her and Clive Owen was truly amazing and uncomfortable to watch.
I'll give her that one.
Otherwise, she sucks balls..


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