My Looking Glass

Holidays in the Hospital

A few years ago when I still worked "on campus" (which is how we say "at the hospital"), I wrote and faxed a holiday parody to the emergency department. Names have been changed and it has been generally edited so I don't get dooced. Medical translations denoted below in italics.


Twas the night before Christmas
When Santa checked in
To the emergency department
And saw the intern, Dr. Quinn

He had a chief complaint
Of painful hemorrhoids
From sitting in malls
And delivering toys

He was also plagued
With abdominal pain
Epigastric in nature
Not relieved with Dalmane

No history of MI, TB
Nor CVA
But Santa was positive
for IVDA

His heart tones were normal
His skin was not pale
Gross inspection revealed
An uncircumcised male

His pupils were round
With equal reaction
But rectal exam showed need
For acute disimpaction

Fluids were hung
By the bedside with care
Abdominal series showed stool
Negative for free air

Labs had been drawn
And were currently pending
When Dr. Quinn made the decision
To call in the attending

On check of the monitor
It was duly noted
His BP was dropping
Santa had coded!

On Johnson, on Jackson
On Smith and McDruthers
They rushed to his bedside
Followed by others

Then what to my wandering eye should appear
Clergy was called
Was the end really near?

When in strode Dr. Big Man
Wearing surgical greens
And he resuscitated Santa
With a box of Krispy Kremes

The waiting room erupted
With pediatric cheers
The gomer with epistaxis
Bought the ED a round of beers

With pagers a-beeping
And his floor bed delayed
It was suddenly discovered
Santa left the department AMA

By the end of the shift on
Christmas day morn
A miracle had occured
Worthy of music by horn

A new Krispy Kreme franchise
Drew a sensational panic
Erected overnight
At the corner of 1st Street and Blahnik

And we heard him exclaim
As he flew away with glee
"Happy Holidays to all
of you working the ED!"


Footnotes
MI - myocardial infarction also known as HEART ATTACK
TB - tuberculosis
CVA - cerebrovascular accident also known as STROKE
IVDA - intravenous drug abuse
BP - blood pressure
gomer - "Get Out of My Emergency Room," someone without an acute medical emergency
epistaxis - nosebleed
AMA - against medical advice
ED - emergency department

posted by LA @ 10:28 AM